The next day I woke up with a new lease on life and an overwhelming zeal.. I was going to be the first one to awake with a new spirit… People pass away, and one day I will too, but until then, I can’t keep mourning over the events of the past and keep questioning Allahs will, I need to learn to accept things as they are and move on..
I sat on my musalllah after fajr and cried my heart out.. It was the only way I was going to get past this… Eventually when my legs had absorbed almost all the cold from the floor, I jumped back into bed.. I felt as though a huge burden had been removed from my shoulders… Later on I went to go and see how mum was doing and found her with tears streaming down her face.. “You know your ma treated me like I was a princess up till the day she died.. She never once made me feel like an in-law and advices lie, a mother.. She looked after me when I wasn’t well and even did my wawar”
“I know mum..” I hugged her and she sobbed
I gave her closure in the Ayat of the quraan.. In Surah yunus Allah says,”It is he(Allah) who gives life, and causes death and to him you (all) shall return..” Surah Yunus
– YOUR SISTER IN ISLAM
As I made my ablution the following day for the Fajr prayer, I noticed her toothbrush lying next to the basin and my heart sobbed.. Breakfast felt cold despite the hot chai tea, toast and strawberry jam.. All that could be heard was the clutter of forks and spoons hitting ceramic dishes… No one uttered a word the entire meal except for the occasional, “can you please pass me the…..”
The morning slipped away and zuhr time came and went..
People came, gave condolences and left, not one of them staying over 25 minutes..
They had their usual lives to go back to, and this was just a by the way thing for them..
It was then, that a realization hit me.. People are better actors than you would ever imagine.. I decided to write in my journal about this, but 9 likes into it, I tore out the page and cried myself to sleep..
The next day had a similar timeline of events and then I realized, this was pointless, me thinking the clock is gong to stop because I lost a loved one, hoping that this was all an illusion, questioning why… I needed to come to terms with what happened and get a grip….. I guess I was my own night in shining armor..
-YOUR SISTER IN ISLAM
The clock struck twelve in our eerily quiet house… That grandfathers clock has been ticking since forever and every hour on the hour, it would make that weird old tingle sound… It brought back good and relatively ad memories as well, but all in all, it witnessed it all… Tonight was the fist night after ma had passed away and I could not sleep.. The visions of the white Kafan lying in the lounge with the lifeless being of my beloved ma… Things happened too quick… Last night this time, I was feeding her a bowl of mielie meel porridge, her favorite.. The last couple of months have been tough for our family. We were not very financially stable and with her being admitted for months at a time, didn’t exactly help our predicament…
I’m 19 and at the prime of my life.. But I have a few obstacles that are obscuring my path to the dream life.. For starters, I’m not from an average class family, so I don’t live on a bed of roses, like many of you do.. I am a senior sibling to 3 boys.. 😐
Secondly, I have a few personal issues that L.O didn’t fix even though I learned self-esteem since grade 4… Thirdly, is MY PARENTS and now I have one more thing to add to the list MY MA WAS GONE.. My backbone and inspiration was gone.. I guess when you grow up with your ma, it becomes very difficult to live without them..
As I tossed and turned my night away, I couldn’t help but let myself wonder about the what ifs in life.. I wondered if all was going to happen like in the blogs, where the depressed girl meets someone new and they change her life around.. But I’ve learned not to have expectations and that expectations is the thief of happiness..
– YOUR SISTER IN ISLAM
Uhhh… No.. I personally feel that you are vulnerable when it comes to this specific guy and he might use your feelings for him to his advantage and use you..”
“That’s a bit overrated don’t you think?”
“Absolutely not, I know what this guy is capable of and I’ve seen for myself what he does to girls… This is going to sound extreme, but I think that the best way out of this is if you forget him…”
“And how am I suppose to do that?”
“Avoid talking to him, because trust me the more you talk to the person, the more you fall in love with them ….”
“Okay… So what am I suppose to do when he phones?”
“Just say that you really don’t feel like playing his games and politely make salaam”
“Politely?? Really? ”
“Yes, remember you still have a reputation to live up to after all you still have to get married remember?”
“Aggh!! So you think that if I’m rude, he will make il some lame as* crap about me and ruin my name?”
“That’s exactly what I think..”
“Okay.. I got it, you going to be home tonight?”
“I don’t think so, got soccer with the guys.. Why?”
“Oh okay and I’m just asking..”
“Oh don’t use that line, is there something you want to tell me and just can’t say it now or are you housa and will get scared, so you want me to Skype you?”
“Can’t bluff you, can I ?”
“Well, maybe… Uh.. No you can’t..”
“I need to tell you something, but I’m not so sure if I want to..”
“Well you make up your mind and tell me before Maghreb please, so that I can tell them I’m not coming.. And don’t think you being a burden and preventing me from paying soccer because honestly you’d do the same and I know because you’ve done it before to listen to my drama..”
“Okay, I will and thank a lot hey.. ”
We cut the call.. Okay so this was it, scre* my crush.. I don’t need him and honestly I’ve functioned all these years perfectly fine on my own.. But there was still one thing I hadn’t told Randeree and I have no idea why, but when I keep things from him, it always comes back to bite me… And I feel so bad for not telling him, it is almost as though I get punished for not telling him everything…
After a while, I decided I’m telling him tonight..
I called his house phone and no one answered..
I phoned on the other number and still no answer..
I waited about 15-20 minutes and tried again..
Still no answer.. He said that I should call him before Maghreb and well it was before Maghreb, why on earth wasn’t he answering the phone..
The doorbell rang, but I ignored it… It rang again and I ignored again..
Then, something made me go to the door and guess what I find??
A note from Randeree saying that he was sorry and that I should watch out.. Lie, what the hell was that suppose to mean.., but I guess my conundrum was answered when my crush phoned later that night, laughing and playing the very conversation that Randeree and I had had..
I had no idea what to think.. Betrayal??? Or was he forced to by “crush” dude?? Was our friendship all a lie?? Did he only make me see the good in my so called “crush” ?? Why was the phone call recorded??
So many questions, and not a single answer..
So many possibilities, but what are the probabilities?
So many friends, and all I could think about was Randeree…
– YOUR SISTER IN ISLAM
“So you going to answer the question..”
“I’m not sure….”
“And that’s a no.. ”
“Yes!! And oh well it is either him or me, you choose.. Bye”
And her hung up.. What the hell was that?? You down talk to me at all and then suddenly you want to tell me what to do and to stop talking to my best friend.. What the hell does this guy think of himself??
So I decided that I’m going to play the cards in this game.. I am not going to stop talking to Randeree, in fact I’m actually going to tell him what happened and then see how this plays out..
I dialed his house phone and his mum answered..
I greeted and then asked for him and a few seconds later he was on the phone..
I told him what happened and laughed and laughed, though he did apologize for not talking to me sooner or calling.. I said that it was fine and then despite all the stuff that just occurred less than 10 minutes ago, I was ranting and raving about how my heart was doing these flips when he said that he didn’t like competition.
Randeree just listened in silence and after a full 20 minutes he was like, ” are you done?” And I was like no i was just getting started..
“You know in all the time that we have been friends I have never seen you talk about another person especially a boy the way you talk about this guy..”
“Is that a good or bad thing?”
“Depends whose angle you look at it from..”
“In your opinion, is it good?”
– YOUR SISTER IN ISLAM
Well school was back in action and I was following the usual hectic routine…
Exactly 1 year to go of school and then I was done..
Matric 2015… The past few days have been lectures and only lectures about how this is the year they have been preparing us for since grade 1 and this will either make or break our future.. Literally every teacher gave us the same bayaan about distractions and how school is what we must be mist focused on and tata tata tata. The work was never problem for me as I am one of the “nerds” of my class apparently, so that I wasn’t worried about, but there was one thing that I wasn’t so sure about and that was constantly on my mind..
I am not the girl that likes a guy because well every other girl likes him and you just have to and honestly I never thought this day would come where I actually spell it out, but I think that I’m in love.. Call it infatuation or whatever the hell you want to, but to me it seems really real.. I’ve never told anyone really, but our parents tease us, which I think he doesn’t quite like because he likes the “Cinderella” of our school.. Or so I thought.. No one can compare to her in beauty, she is like straight from Jannah..
I don’t envy her because I’ve learned that when malice overtakes you, You will never be satisfied with what you have… I don’t want anything to happen between us that is out of the bounds of ISLAM, because I was never the dating material anyway apparently, but I can’t stop myself from feeling the way it feels.. It feels wrong and as Damon says it, ” a love that consumes me”.. Despite my attempts to single out wrong in him and try to focus on that so my feelings subside, I fall in love all over again when I see him.. This is the first time, I feel this way, I never had a crush in my life before, and to be honest with you, it makes my knees go weak and keeps me up at night.. But I decided earlier today that I’m not going to mention it to anyone and going to try and fast as I know that helps with these kind of things… But just as I make my decision, the house phone rang and you can only guess who it was…
The conversation began very awkwardly because normally he only phones exam time for maths since that is my strength..
We had 2 whole minutes of silence, like seriously both of us were quiet until he decided to break the ice..
“So what’s the deal with you and Randeree?”
Okay so Randeree is my friend who according to rumors developed a crush on me, but didn’t admit it or show any signs, because he was scared of ruining our friendship or at least something like that..
“Well we haven’t really spoken since last year”
“So you guys are on the outs ?”
“Uhh.. And you asking this because ?”
“Well, you know I don’t like competition..”
And now things got real awkward, like bad bad.. I think I preferred the silence…
– YOUR SISTER IN ISLAM